Tuesday, March 3, 2009

My Destiny?

So anyone who is on Faceb00k knows that there are an unlimited number of little applications that are available that allow you to send things to your friend list - anything from throwing snowballs at them to sending someone a hug. It's actually kind of cute - at least some of them are cute - some not so much.

Anyway, last week my sister sent me some "flair" which is really just a button like the servers would wear at Frid@y's. She sent me a couple of cute buttons - one was a Harry Connick Jr (my McDreamy). Another one said "I'm the fun Aunt". It was really cute but for some reason I haven't stopped thinking about it.

I haven't been able to stop wondering if that piece of flair is my destiny. A little background - I have 7 nieces and nephews ranging in age from 21 to 16 months!!! They are everything to me. I love them all more than I could ever explain. And I have an amazing relationship with them all. It's because of these kids that I knew in my heart that I wanted to be a mom. It's because of the joy that they bring to my life and the absolute deep and unconditional love that I feel for them that I finally realized that being a mom was what I really and truly wanted. My heart is so full of love for them that I don't think I have honestly ever fully understood it.

I also honestly believe that everything happens in His time, not mine and that all things that happen to us, for us or because of us happens for a reason. But I can't stop wondering if being the best aunt I can be and having such a special relationship with those 7 wonderful kids and building amazing memories that they will carry with them for their whole lives is really what I was meant to do. As the wait gets longer and longer and I feel the adoption slipping further and further away I can't help but wonder if I am destined to be the "fun aunt" but maybe not a mother. It pains me just to type that but as the latest referrals only included 2 days it seems to be more of a reality every month and that breaks my heart.

Every month I feel so happy for those folks who get their referrals. And every month I feel a little more distant from it for myself. I feel like we are so far away that it will never be us. And that makes me sad. Hubby reassures me that it will happen when and how it's "supposed" to but the longer we wait and the further away a referral seems, the less I think I believe that.

But I also have these 7 amazing children in my life that I love more than they can ever know and who love me probably more than I know. And maybe that's how it's supposed to be - maybe I am supposed to make an impact on their lives and them on mine and maybe that's supposed to be enough. I know for a fact that they have all made an impact on my life already. And for that I'm grateful.

I suppose if this is my destiny, I'm lucky to have these 7 wonderful kids to help me fulfill it.


Kristi said...

Oh Laura,
My heart broke for you as I read this post. I so well understand that thought, for a while I wondered if Ian and I were destined to be "the fun God-parents" to my college roommate's girls. Don't get me wrong, Anah and Sera still have such a special place in my life, but I'm so glad I didn't give in to those doubts. If God placed the desire on your heart to be a mother, He will be faithful to fulfill it! It may not be from the country you imagined, but He will make it a reality! I'm so glad for you that you have your nieces and nephews to love on until your time comes!
I'm praying for you!

Pug Mama said...

you are getting there. You are so close.
We all distance ourselves, because the journey is sooooo long, and we question everything about it.
The closer you get, the more "real" it will feel.
This all just started feeling REAL for me about 3 months ago - seriously.
The closer you get, the more it will sink in.
And great Aunts make FABULOUS mothers!!
BTW, I LOVE LOVE LOVE Harry Jr. also!!!!!! He is my Hollywood crush!